Functionally ReTodded

This blog had been considered and reconsidered and was sort of set aside until a friend, with whom I was discussing various topics via email, sent me the following message:

“The toaster is the square bagel’s bitch.”

Confused?

I imagine that you are unless you’ve been made aware of the greatest carb-related invention in this country in the last 50 years and, dare I say, the history of the world. Behold…the commercially released square bagel, courtesy of Thomas:

You heard me correctly, America. Thomas, makers of the greatest commercially sold English muffins on the planet now brings you SQUARE FUCKING BAGELS. Oh, and they’re available in three flavors: Everything, Plain, and 100% whole freaking wheat!!

What’s so exciting about square bagels, you may be asking? I don’t know…maybe only just about everything!

The square bagel, as mentioned before, makes the toaster it’s bitch. Round bagels never toasted quite right in conventional toasters, but now they fit like they’re designed for it, which of course they are. They toast evenly and beautifully every time.

They are now the shape of 99.999% of all sandwhich meats and cheeses. Of course you have your maverick provolones and bolognas and pepperonis and salamis, but the bulk of your meats and cheeses are square…like the bread. Think that’s a coincidence? Oh, I highly doubt it. I liken the round bagel-square meat and cheese issue to that of hot dog math. You know, where dogs come in 12 packs but the buns come by the 8-pack.

There’s more bagel for your buck now. No more wasted “hey, where’s the edge like my regular bread has?” More bagel means more smiles and fullness for me.

Now, there’s no more pesky bagel hole / cheese and topping leaker. The funny thing is that the hole is the doughnut’s bailiwick, not the bagel’s. The bagel has always just been novelty bread, but that hole has been a thorn in my side for years. I’ll give you two examples:

I make Egg McBagels at home and that requires a step where you put a slice of cheese on the inside of the top to melt the cheese, only one third or more of the cheese leaks out and is sucked into the vast wasteland that is the center hole. That problem is no longer.

I also frequently have toasted bagel with peanut butter for breakfast. Actually, I have that five days a week and occasionally on weekends as well. I use Jif Creamy peanut butter on a toasted, unbuttered bagel. This peanut butter becomes slippery and sucks down the vaccuous center as though someone flushed the bagel’s toilet or something, and I’m left with precious little of Mr. Carver’s delicious invention on my bagel.

Now, the new square bagel is like a veritable gravy boat for my peanut butter. YUMMY!!

Another benefit of the square bagel is that it can sit on the shelf in the pantry like the rest of the non-communist, flat-sided breads. Before, you had to stand the bagels up on end, lest they roll off the shelf and become hidden under something and left to mold and rot. Now, they store correctly and can even be stacked upon one another, helping to maximize pantry space.

In conclusion, I believe that Mr. Thomas or Mrs. Thomas or whichever Thomas lacky invented the square bagel for mass production should be rewarded, and I’m not talking about rewarded like the egg mcmuffin inventor was rewarded. I think that guy got a comp day and a carton of smokes. This guy deserves his own day. Square Bagel Guy Day.

Thanks square bagel guy. You’re the best.