Functionally ReTodded

Yesterday, fellow bloggist/blogauthor/blogette Ethel and I were talking after she had been re-reading some of my older blogs. She mentioned that she had re-read this one and said “we need to have one of those again.”

Well Ethel, from your lips to Mark Burnett’s ears. I read the following on WebIndia123.com today courtesy of Fark (the greatest and most entertaining source for news on the planet:

MTV reports Van Halen ready for CBS
Los Angeles October 20, 2005 12:01:13 AM IST

If CBS brings back its successful Rock Star: INXS for a second season, rumor has it the next band in line is California’s Van Halen.

This summer’s inaugural season was a ratings winner for CBS and a reputation enhancer for reality TV producer Mark Burnett — and it gave INXS a new singer, a new hit single, an upcoming album and a world tour.

CBS has remained hush-hush on whether Rock Star will return next summer, but MTV reports if it does, look for Eddie and Alex Van Halen along with bassist Michael Anthony in the judges’ chairs originally filed by INXS.

A band rep refused to comment on the report given to MTV by a source close to the show.
Van Halen certainly fits the mold — a former rock ‘n’ roll powerhouse that has been floundering without a frontman since the departures of David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar and Gary Cherone.

While there are many things that are funny (meaning sad) about this, I will focus on a couple of items:

First, Van Halen has been floundering SINCE Gary Cherone? Holy shit, folks. They’ve been floundering as Van Halen since the release of Diver Down back in 1982. Yes, they rebounded nicely with 1984, but Roth was on the way out shortly thereafter and for Van Halen fans, everything went tits up right there.

Oh, and if you want to know how insignificant this band is currently, their website’s two most recent updates were some fucking wallpaper in February of 2005 and a “cool new multimedia player” released to the site in September of two thousand fucking four.

Thirdly, if you thought INXS was old, you should check out the geriatrics that are the remaining / surviving members of Van Halen.

Michael Anthony - Thanks to 30 years in this band, this 51 year old mullet-head is living in the body of a 71 year old bourbon-soaked bum.

Alex Van Halen - This 52-year-old was a decent rock drummer, but has spent most of his bitter life in the shadow of his more talented, better looking, married “THE” hot chick from the 80’s brother. He’s the guy that stands behind another guy and points and yells “YEAH!! What HE said.”

Eddie Van Halen - He’s 50 years old, but has been that old since 1989. In recent years he’s been divorced by his perpetually hot wife Valerie Bertinelli, battled throat and / or mouth cancer (depending upon whom you believe) and endured hip-replacement surgery.

I don’t know about you guys, but I think that the moment a rock band should stop is when their leader starts replacing joints not due to injury but old age.

Now, if we all cross our fingers, CBS will pick up this trainwreck of a show and I can assure you, this will make Rock Star: INXS look like Citizen Kane.

I’ll be watching, of course. Will YOU?

Next stop: Rock Star: New Kids On the Block.