Archive for October 10th, 2005

10
Oct

What a day yesterday…

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

I got two tickets to the Falcons - Patriots game yesterday and invited a buddy to join me. The only stipulation was that he had to drive home since I did that duty last time.

One fabulous point was that Kurt offered to drive there (in my car) but I refused saying I didn’t mind. However, when we got to the entrance of the parking lot, I reached for my wallet and found that…TA DA!!!! I had forgotten the damned thing. I had no license, no ATM card and no freaking money. That led to the totally expected “So Kurt, how many times am I gonna have to blow you to get you to buy my beers for the day?” comment.

We met up with a few of his / our friends in the parking lot for a few beers and blather before heading to the game.

These tickets were courtesy of my mother-in-law who works at Verizon. I (we) get great swag from her often ranging from t-shirts to sweatshirts to game programs from the Auburn football games to event tickets occasionally. I appreciate her even considering me when she gets them, and I very much appreciate the tickets themselves.

Anywho, we got into our seats at about 12:45, and shortly thereafter we met Dawn and Heidi, our two hosts for the day. They both work at Verizon and were our contacts / very gracious hosts.

There were other Verizon folks there but, for those of you that know me, you know that there’s not a chance in hell I remembered there names even five seconds after we were introduced.

Kurt was sitting to my left and Heidi sat down to his left, with her husband Brent between them.
We found both Heidi and her husband to be very nice, sports knowledgable and VERY funny. We had a great time cheering for the Falcons and all the while laughing our asses off about everything from the skanks with the crooked ball caps in front of us with the messages across their asses to the douchebag behind us with the soul chip wearing the Jay Novacek Cowboys jersey circa 1993.

I don’t think it’s necessary to give a count of the number of adult cordials I enjoyed, but I will say that it was about the perfect amount. Kurt did NOT in fact require sexual favors in exchange for cold beers and Dawn was also kind enough to bring me a beer from the VIP area, and that was VERY much appreciated.

It’s here that the day took a dark turn and burned it into my memory forever.

While cheering and high-fiving our way thru the third quarter, I noticed suddenly that Kurt was furiously wiping at Brent’s leg and shorts (on the side that faced him, not his lap you perverts) and I noticed that there had been some spillage. Brent was saying “Dude, it’s no big deal….it’s just beer.”

Only I knew it wasn’t beer. I knew from Kurt’s reaction that there was only one thing that he could have spilled on Brent:

Kurt had spilled his dip spit cup on a total stranger / the spouse of the woman who was our host and is my Mother-In-Law’s boss.


When I leaned behind Kurt (who was still doing the wipe / damage control) and told Brent what had actually been spilled on his leg/pants/shoes, he made a face that he himself described later as one he thought he’d seen while watching “The Crying Game.” Brent also spent a good deal of time in the restroom after that washing and rewashing his hands and wishing he could do the same for his brain.

Kurt was sufficiently apologetic and of course did the right thing by immediately buying the victim a beer, but man, that was high comedy right there.

Anyway, the Falcons got behind, came back, got behind more, came back, successfully hit a two-point conversion to tie the game only to have some shitty officiating and Tom Brady snatch away any chance at victory. Kicker Adam Vinatieri hit from 29 yards with 17 seconds left to beat the Falcons 31-28.

The upside is that the Falcons took the Pats (who’ve won 3 titles in four years) to the last 17 seconds despite horrific officiating and Michael Vick being on the bench. Matt Schaub proved that he’s possibly the best backup in the NFL and a great asset to have being Michael Vick.

Oh, and one more thing. Heidi, if you’re reading this, please don’t let Kurt’s actions get in the way of the budding romance your husband and I are sharing. I promise it won’t happen again…

10
Oct

I can’t believe I didn’t tell you this…

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

A week ago this past Friday, one of the strangest thing I’ve ever seen happened.

It was a little after 10pm on a Friday, the wife was asleep or nearly so, and I was in my office playing Madden 2006 (and kicking some royal ass, I must say) when the phone rang. It was my 15 year old nephew from across the street. He and a buddy and my 9 year old nephew were home alone as the BIL and SIL had gone to a fundraiser in a nearby town.

Anyway, the nephew asks “Did you just do something to our front porch?”

My answer: “Ummm…no, dude. I’m totally kicking everyone’s ass in Madden 2006. Have you seen it?”

Nephew: “Uh no. But there’s a dead deer on our front porch.”

Me: Silence, followed by “what did you say?”

Nephew: “I said there’s a dead deer on our front porch. Someone just threw a dead deer on our porch.”

Me: “I’ll be right over.”

So I told the wife where I was going and headed out to take a look. But before I could see anything, it hit me. I was at the end of my driveway and the stink was so damned bad that I thought I was going to throw up. It was awful.

So I covered my nose and mouth with my shirt and continued on, only to find a doe that looked to be between 125-150 pounds lying ass-first hanging off the steps to their front porch. There was no viscera to speak of, so this deer had either died of natural causes or internal trauma as a resut of being hit by a car.

But what I did know for sure is that it fucking stank!! BAD!!!

Then came all of the “I don’t know who’d do this” and the “why do you think it was one of my friends” or “what are we gonna do with it?”

Also, my 9 year old nephew was pretty freaked out. Enough so that, at one point, he came out front with his BB gun, apparently in an effort to protect his property from future Odocoileus virginianus assaults. (I looked that up just to sound fancy. I was looking for something like bovine or porcine or equine, but that’ll have to do).

So the BIL and SIL decided to abandon their cocktail party / dinner and head home early to address the “deering.” Upon arrival, the BIL was equally taken aback by the stench, but being the tough guy that he is, he grabbed a hoof and dragged that stinky thing to the curb.

I immediately cried foul, stating that I was “pretty sure it was against the covenants of our neighborhood to throw dead animal carcasses in the road, and that if he didn’t remove it, I’d be forced to file a complaint. Oh, and that damn thing stinks anyway, but it’s worse now that it’s twice as close to my house as it was before, jerk.”

So the BIL backed out the pickup, grabbed a front and back leg, and heaved it into the back of his shiny F-150 and headed on down the road abou a mile, where he unceremoniously threw the deer into the grass on the side of the road.

So with the source of the stank gone, it was time to start guessing at suspects. I decided that it was fair to rule out anyone with a car or SUV or any enclosed vehicle, as there was no way anybody would have put that sthinky shit in the back of mom’s Toyota Camry or her Expedition, so narrowing it down to a pickup was probably the way to go.

I immediately thought of one boy with a maroon truck but was told that wasn’t likely because that boy goes to church. WTF?

I reminded all involved that this was likely not one kid that did this, so we were looking for two or more in a now sort of identified black (looking) pickup truck. I told the nephew to think of anyone that had a truck or had a friend with a truck. I also advised him to not say anything to anyone about it or if he heard anything about it, but to tell his dad and myself only.

I figure that since

A: teenagers can’t keep their mouths shut about anything, it shouldn’t take too long to find out who did it.

2: Two sizeable grown men can probably scare the ever loving shit out of nearly any 16 year old boy, that my Uncle Todd and myself could have a little fun with this at the expense of the guilty party or parties.

It’s been ten days and I’m frankly more than a little shocked to not know anything at this point. But believe me, we’ll find out and when we do, it’s gonna be fun…

 

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