Functionally ReTodded

Now, you are going to ask where the following came from, but I assure you that my intentions were pure when I started.

I was reading Drew Curtis’ Fark today (and if you don’t read it at least once a day every day, well…you should). I stumbled across an article about Amazon.com quietly starting to act as a re-seller for ummm….er….well….personal “ahem” massagers. And I’m not talking about the ones used for calf cramps.

Anyway, since my company is in the process of trying to get a similar line of products to market, I was curious to look and see if this was our big internet shopping break.

Alas, it was not.

But I stumbled across something even funnier. See, if you go to Fark, you’ll see that there’s a story headline (with some comedy attached), then to the left is a link to the story and to the right there is a link that is a number. This number represents the number of comments that have been left about said article.

Anywhoo, in reading the comments, someone mentioned that farkers must now be writing product reviews now for the new Amazon.com products. So I clicked on the link and, lo and behold, here is what I found:

No more A to M fears thanks to Anal Douche, May 11, 2005
Reviewer:

Chad Heft - See all my reviews My parner Lance has always be a bit squeemish about pleasing me orally after I’ve given him a good reaming. His main concern, bacteria, has too often been confirmed with him suffering frequent bouts of dysentery, which aside from causing him discomfort is also interuptive to our daily erotic routine. He has also often complained of the taste,as you can well imagine. But since my purchase of Anal Douche, Lance has had no qualms what so ever about finishing me off like a pro. Now, not only do we enjoy hot man on man action, but peace of mind as well. Thanks Anal Douche! Was this review helpful to you?

If you aren’t laughing by now, you must have mis-read it. Read it again.

Okay. Now see how funny that is? Man, I love some of the creative folks that have access to the internets.

This is a story of hard work and pride in a job well done.

My brother in law and his brother own their own landscaping company. They started it back in 1986 with an old Ford pickup, some rakes, shovels and mowers, along with a great work ethic.

They work as hard as anyone I know and, to date, they’ve only made one really big mistake that I can think of…

They hired me.

Back in the summer of 1986, me and a buddy of mine were looking for summer work so we could make a little beer money and sock away a little spending cash for college. Todd had recently married my girlfriend’s sister, so after listening to his teenage sister in law, he grudgingly agreed to take us two knuckleheads on board.

We showed up for work, and it was hot. aytch oh tee hot. Georgia summer hot. Fuck you hot. The job was a residential one just a little ways from downtown Alpharetta. They were busting ass to finish and both brothers were out there with us. We were tasked with spreading pinestraw while the sprinklers were on to water shrubs and trees that were in the ground and near death thanks to the heat and lack of rain. Paul and I trudged around in ankle-deep mud wearing jeans, workboots and no shirts, bent over at the waist all damn day.

And you know what? It was fucking awful. When that day was over, we headed back to Paul’s house. His parents were out of town, so we got some cold beers and sat in the den nursing our horrific sunburns and aching backs and said “Fuck this. No money’s worth this. We’re quitting.”

So the next morning, we don’t show up and when Todd calls to find us, I inform him of our decision, and he says “fine” and hangs up. Fast forward about six years, and I ended up marrying that same girl that begged Todd to give me a job. I could have been imagining it, but I think he looked at me a little bit funny for about a decade. I can’t be sure of this, so you’d have to ask him.

Anyway, fast forward another ten years and I moved into his neighborhood, and I think that now he’s finally forgiven me.

I don’t know why I told that story. It’s not germane to anything other than that was just one day of what those two brothers have had to deal with for twenty years.

Today, nearly 20 years later, the company has grown quite a bit and is doing fine looking work all over the city and state. If you live in Georgia (particularly in the metro Atlanta area), I can guarantee that you see their handywork no less than a couple of times a day, every day, while driving anywhere.

Anyway, the reason I’m posting this is that after an astonishing amount of hard work, the two brothers are about to see the completion of their first commercial building to be occupied in part by their company. They are planning to lease 2/3 of the building to other companies. Here is a picture of it.

Of course, you should imagine it with the brick skin on the outside, but you get the point.

Here is an email I got from the wife this afternoon…

We met Lauren’s teachers today.

When we showed up Ms. Bianca was walking down the hall. She said “are you Lauren?”, to which Lauren nodded her head. Then she bent down to talk to Lauren and Lauren ran up and jumped in her arms. Too sweet!

Ms. Bianca wanted to take her home. She said “Oh good - Lauren is going to be my social butterfly this year - I love them.” She was very sweet and Lauren is excited about going back.

(pictured L-R) Ms. Maria, Lauren & Ms. Bianca.

I can’t tell you how excited I am that the urchin is not only not scared about the idea of school, but that she’s excited about it. I feel better knowing that only one person will be crying in that parking lot on Monday.

Oh, and if you call me around 9:30am this coming Monday, I may need a minute. I think I’m going to be having trouble with my contacts.