Did anyone see the Pam Anderson Roast?

I love celebrity roasts. Yes, the language has gotten raunchier over the years and no, it’s not the same as when Dean and Sammy or Johnny or anyone else got roasted, but what is?

Sunday night (then again last night), Comedy Central aired a VERY censored version of the Pamela Anderson Roast (to benefit PETA).

They will, by the way, be re-airing this Friday night August 19th or Saturday August 20th at midnight or 1am. I know that’s vague, but they website isn’t sure what time zone it’s in, and all I know is that I saw a commercial during the broadcast that said Comedy Central would be airing the roast UNCUT late at night one night this weeekend.

Anyway, this was terribly entertaining, even making me cringe at times. Courtney Love made me cringe the entire time, as she is the biggest attention whore I’ve ever seen. She sits on the sofa stage right of the microphone, and she’s constantly running her pie hole, cussing at the roasters, flipping them off, and flopping around on the sofa like a smacked out whore, which of course she is.

That is despite the fact that she claims during the roast that she’s “been sober for over a year, and these drug yokes are getting old. I mean, jokes…drug jokes, not yokes, are getting old.”

Riiiiiiiight. Even though she got busted about two weeks ago for probation violation for being high (this roast was taped August 7th, so I’m guessing she was not, in fact, sober).

Back to the roast. I love Nick DePaolo at roasts. He and Jeffery Ross are about the best besides Kimmel and Corolla. Some of my favorite parts were DiPaolo saying that he masturbated to Pam on Baywatch so many times that he didn’t think he’d recognize her in person unless she had just finished eating a glazed donut.

Jeffery Ross had the cringe moment of the night when he asked “how is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse Kurt Cobain?”

Someone mentioned that they wouldn’t fuck Bea Arthur’s dick with Andy Dick’s vagina, and that was quite funny. Bea Arthur reading a passage about how to correctly receive anal sex from one of Pam’s books was top shelf as well.

I know why Tommy Lee showed up too. I’d go to any party where 50 of my friends were gonna talk about my huge penis. Talk about an ego boost. Of course, dragging that crank around all the time must be a decent amount of work too…

Sarah Silverman (Jimmy Kimmel’s girlfriend) is one of my favorite roasters, especially since she’s a chick (duh). Her best effort was “People say Pam wouldn’t be anyone if it weren’t for her big tits. That’s not true at all. She’d be Paris Hilton.”

One great joke at her expense was the one that said “the only thing lower than the Kimmel Show’s ratings is Sarah Silverman’s self-esteem.”

Nice.

Anna Nicole Smith was in the audience and when they started making fun of her, she flipped off the stage, and that prompted one comic to quip “Hey…can someone get her a 90 year old cock to suck?”

Other great lines include:

“She loves musicians. She’s screwed more musicians than Napster.”

“She slept with Scott Baio, the lead singer from Poison and the drummer from Motley Crue. Her life story should be on VH1 on a show entitled “I fucked the 80′s.”

“Tommy, I saw the movie with you and Pam, and I haven’t seen a dick that big on a boat since I went yachting with Donald Trump.”

“Adam Corolla, have some dignity and stick to radio. You look like Pete Sampras with Downs Syndrome.”

Great stuff.

And watching Andy Dick fondle, grope and jiggle Pam’s enormous (and highly visible) cans was hilarious.

I am looking forward to the re-air (uncut) this weekend, and I’m hoping a transcript is available on-line in the not too distant future. There were good lines in there, and I’d like to be able to reference them in the future.

If you get a chance to watch a roast, any roast, on Comedy Central, you should do it. They re-run old ones sometimes too, and Drew Carey’s roast is one of the best things I’ve ever seen on television. Ever. They should release these on DVD in a box set. I’d buy that in a second.

Thanks for coming to the Chuckle Hut everybody. I recommend the veal. I’ll be here all week, with two shows on Friday and Sunday. Don’t forget to tip your waiters and waitresses.

Goodnight.

Ode to the Big Green Egg

Warm green ceramic
Most delicious food around
No, it’s not a cult

You can tell it’s Monday

Today I come in, do my usual routine of verifying that the backups ran, then I started backing up some images to our NAS for safe keeping, since “someone” recently deleted our external image storage device.

(By the way, it was moi that deleted the drive. But we never backed it up before and now we do, so I guess, in the end, that’s a good thing).

Anyway, I head into the breakroom for a big bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and a quick browsing of the sports page. I was also chatting with someone about folks in the office that don’t pay attention when they put the coffee pot under the coffee maker, and then coffee spills everywhere. You might not think it would, but it happens all the fucking time.

So I’m talking with this person and go to put my spoon on my napkin, but I hook the bowl and spill about a pint of whole milk all over my shirt and, more importantly, my lap. I try to clean it up with water and paper towels, but it’s not much use.

Now, I’m wearing khakis, so it looks like I’ve pissed myself. I also am conidering how nice I am going to smell later in the day with sour milk all over my crotch.

I sure hope I run out of gas on the way home or lose my wallet today.

Monday blog and haiku entry

This weekend was another HUGE milestone in Lauren’s life.

As I have previously mentioned, we were having some fair to moderate difficulty getting Lauren to embrace the idea of sleeping in a regular bed and not in her crib. We had finally decided that this Sunday would be the day that we’d take the front off of the crib and slowly start making it less appealing.

However, Mee Mee (my wife’s mom) came over Saturday to babysit the urchin and my 9 year old nephew, and she talked the urchin into sleeping in her big bed with the understanding that Mee Mee would sleep with her in her big girl bed.

Well, that never happened and Lauren slept until well after 7:30 yesterday morning.

Later Sunday, with my wife and mother-in-law distracting the urchin, the crib was disassembled, removed, and stored in the closet in the new nursery. In it’s place we put a little tykes table and chairs and brought some tea party crap upstairs, along with her new Mrs. Potatohead.

She probably played in there for four hours yesterday. It was amazing. We went up to check on her once and she was just sitting on the bed, playing with Mrs. P., having a big time and enjoying her room. Can you say toybox full of crap upstairs now anyone?

1,000 thanks to Peggy and her efforts to help get the urchin transitioned to her new bed. It’s possible her parents were more wierded out by the idea than the daughter.

Now, I have received emails about my recent haiku’s, specifically what is the format and what are they specifically.

Dictionary.com defines a haiku as:

A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons. A poem written in this form.

There. I don’t write them about nature, but if you stick with the format, you can’t go wrong.

Here’s one for today about trampolines.

Ah, sweet stretched nylon.
If you don’t break your femur,
we’ll play break the egg.

Here’s a couple more haikus

Rather than creating a unique post for each and every haiku I come up with, I’ve decided to throw several into one post. (I know, and you’re welcome).

Here are the topics:

1) Tony Little
2) Microwave popcorn
3) COPS
4) Label makers

Amazing Gazelle
Please don’t yank my ponytail
I’m bald underneath.

Guess what I know, Orv?
I know it’s not real butter
I won’t tell a soul.

Bad boys. Bad boys. Twice.
Naked crackhead getting popped.
Watcha gonna do?

Whose stapler is this?
Is that a red Swingline there?
Label says Milton.

You didn’t ask, but I’m gonna tell you

A friend of mine asked me to weigh in on the whole issue of the NCAA getting involved in and creating a mascot scandall where there isn’t one.

Let’s see, this “ruling” was handed down by the NCAA’s executive committee. Said committee consists of representatives of eight Division I schools, and six of those schools are under investigation for major rules infractions.

That “committee” is headed by megalomaniac Myles Brand, who apparently thinks that the Fighting Sioux of North Dakota is more offensive than low graduation rates, gambling, players committing felonies, and all sorts of other problems.

Now, there are many folks that got bullied into changing their mascots. The University of Utah Utes actually consulted their tribal namesake for guidance, and still got bullied into submission.

Here’s a fun list from another friend of mine, courtesy of some radio talkhost whose name shall not pass my lips:

1) The Seminoles in Florida have affirmed the use of Seminole by FSU and have ensured that the details are accurate and authentic.

2) Illinois can put Illinois on the jersey but not Illini. Illinois is, of course, a french word meaning “Illini”

3) North Dakota can’t use “Fighting Sioux” but instead can use Dakota. The Sioux were a confederation of tribes, one of which being the Dakota.

4) Oklahoma can use Sooner, the people who cheated in stealing Indian lands. The very word Oklahoma is Choctaw for ‘red people’.

5) Indiana can use Hoosiers, of course. But the word Indiana means Land of Indians. The NCAA is of course HQ’d in Indianapolis, City of Indians.

6) The big sponsor of the NCAA Basketball tournament is GM, who of course markets a line of vehicles named Pontiac.

See? What kind of crazy shit is this? An institution that can’t figure out how to name a national champion wants to wade into this muck?

Myles, do us all a favor. Put away your “what a travesty” rhetoric, put your sheet back on your head and leave the rest of us reasonable folks alone.

Incompetence, theft and outright laziness personified

Today, while reading the Atlanta Journal and Constitution’s Sports page, a buddy of mine noticed something funny. He’s a huge Robby Gordon fan and, as such, keeps abreast (tee hee) of most news regarding his favorite driver.

Anyway, he mentioned that the material in the AJC’s sports page was very similar, if not identical, to the material he’d read at robbygordon.com earlier in the week.

Well, this humble reporter decided to look into the matter. And would you like to know what I found?

I found that this writer basically cut and pasted a 3 day old article from robbygordon.com or quoted the nascar teleconference in which he MAY have sat in, but did it under the guise of gleening said information by doing a sitdown interview with Robby Gordon.

Shit, the guy calls it “Small talk with…Robby Gordon.”

Anyway, here’s my letter to the paper:

Sirs:

I live in Atlanta and have for most of my life. I am a loyal reader for many years and have been a continuous subscriber for somewhere over a decade.

This morning over a bagel, I was reading your Inside Racing section, specifically the “From the big time…” section featuring “small talk with… Robby Gordon.”

Here are some quotes (in order) from your paper’s interview:

Quote number one:

“There have been a few things that have been difficult, [like] the fleet of cars and some of the personalities. It’s easy to say our engines have been our biggest problem. In the beginning, our team wasn’t good enough for the engines, and the engines were an easy excuse. They blew up and kind of saved us from looking like a bad race team. Now, we’re a better race team, and our engines are getting a lot more reliable and a lot more competitive.”

Quote number two:

It hasn’t been easy for anybody. The [no. 11] Joe Gibbs car has gone home this year. There have been good cars that have [not qualified] that have been in the sport for a long time. The positives are that we are alive and well. Sponsorship is good. Things are building. We’re not shrinking in any way, shape or form.”

Quote number three:

Obviously I’m disappointed that in 1999 we ran out of fuel [while] leading the Indy 500. There are two Indy 500s that have just slipped out of my hands. But I’ve enjoyed racing open wheel. That’s a part of racing that I think all of us wake up every day and love.

Quote number four:

You have to be there at the end. Half the battle is being toward the front for the first half of the race and then having enough race car left – brakes, transmission, and engine – that you haven’t used up during the first half of the race.”

Now, the following are cut and pasted directly from RobbyGordon.com from an entry dated August 9th titled “An interview with Robby Gordon.” The “interview” from Robby’s website has the following byline:

August 9, 2005 – NASCAR NEXTEL Teleconference Transcript – Robby Gordon

An interview with: ROBBY GORDON

Quote number one:

ROBBY GORDON – There’s been a few things that have been difficult. Obviously, the fleet of cars, some of the personnel issues have been interesting at least. And I think, you know, it’s easy to point out and say our engines have been our biggest problem because we have lost a lot of engines. But I’m going to say in the beginning, our team wasn’t good enough for the engines and the engines were an easy excuse. They blew up and kind of saved us from looking like a bad race team.

Now we’re a better race team and our engines are getting a lot more reliable and competitive.

Quote number two:

Robby Gordon – It hasn’t been easy for anybody. The Joe Gibbs car has gone home this year. There has been good cars that have gone home that have been in the sport for a long time.

The positives are we are alive and well. Sponsorship is good. Things are building. We’re not shrinking in any way, shape or form.

Quote number three:

Robby Gordon – …obviously I’m disappointed in ’99 we ran out of fuel leading the Indy 500. Heartbreak, okay? ’95, running fourth — running second to Scott Goodyear, 10 laps to go, ahead of Villeneuve, thought I had a flat tire, pitted, and didn’t have a flat tire. Villeneuve wins the race because Goodyear jumps the restart. Two Indy 500s that slipped out of my hands.

But I’ve enjoyed racing open-wheel. That’s a part of racing that I think all of us wake up every day and love.

Quote number four:

Robby Gordon – You have to be there at the end. Half the battle (inaudible) after the race, and then having enough race car left, brakes, engine, transmission, that you haven’t used in the first half of the race…”

My question to all parties involved is, isn’t it standard practice when referencing the material of others to footnote their work? And this isn’t “referencing” by the way. This is downright plagiarism.

I notice the name Jeff Hood at the bottom of these columns on page E4 today, yet the only name listed in the actual transcript of the interview was Denise Maloof, whom I assume, was moderating.

Can you please explain to me how this is any different (other than subject matter) than what several high profile writers including Mitch Albom have been censured and worse for in the recent past?

In my opinion, it’s not any different. Employees of your paper are there to be sure that facts are right and, I assume, that proper credit is given to those that actually did the work. This isn’t like last week when the front of the sports page claimed that Tony Stewart was the first driver to “do the double” by racing in the Coke 600 and the Indy 500 in the same day. In 1994, John Andretti became the first driver to “do the double,” five full years before Tony’s first try. Of course, why should the truth get in the way of a good story?

Over the years, I’ve given your staff at the sports page a pass on misspelled names and places and other errors as well, because that happens. I’ve winced and even written an email or two when facts were wrong and obviously so.

This, however, is too much. I can think of no valid explanation for the blatant theft of another’s work and claiming it as one’s own. If NASCAR gives you permission to run excerpts from their conference calls and Robby Gordon has given you permission to steal from his website without crediting the originator(s) of the work, then I apologize.

But I am fairly certain that Robby didn’t give you permission, and I am more than reasonably certain that NASCAR gave you no such permission either, at least without crediting your source.

I welcome any attempt at an explanation that you or a member of your staff may have.

Regards,

I eagerly await their reply…

An Ode To Georgia

I like the seasons.
The food and weather are great.
I love to say y’all.

Ode to Waffle House

You say good food fast.
You ask “Scattered or smothered?”
What’s the diff? I’m drunk.

One for the ladies

Uh huh, this my shit
I ain’t no hollaback girl
gonna lead the pack