Functionally ReTodded

I love celebrity roasts. Yes, the language has gotten raunchier over the years and no, it’s not the same as when Dean and Sammy or Johnny or anyone else got roasted, but what is?

Sunday night (then again last night), Comedy Central aired a VERY censored version of the Pamela Anderson Roast (to benefit PETA).

They will, by the way, be re-airing this Friday night August 19th or Saturday August 20th at midnight or 1am. I know that’s vague, but they website isn’t sure what time zone it’s in, and all I know is that I saw a commercial during the broadcast that said Comedy Central would be airing the roast UNCUT late at night one night this weeekend.

Anyway, this was terribly entertaining, even making me cringe at times. Courtney Love made me cringe the entire time, as she is the biggest attention whore I’ve ever seen. She sits on the sofa stage right of the microphone, and she’s constantly running her pie hole, cussing at the roasters, flipping them off, and flopping around on the sofa like a smacked out whore, which of course she is.

That is despite the fact that she claims during the roast that she’s “been sober for over a year, and these drug yokes are getting old. I mean, jokes…drug jokes, not yokes, are getting old.”

Riiiiiiiight. Even though she got busted about two weeks ago for probation violation for being high (this roast was taped August 7th, so I’m guessing she was not, in fact, sober).

Back to the roast. I love Nick DePaolo at roasts. He and Jeffery Ross are about the best besides Kimmel and Corolla. Some of my favorite parts were DiPaolo saying that he masturbated to Pam on Baywatch so many times that he didn’t think he’d recognize her in person unless she had just finished eating a glazed donut.

Jeffery Ross had the cringe moment of the night when he asked “how is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse Kurt Cobain?”

Someone mentioned that they wouldn’t fuck Bea Arthur’s dick with Andy Dick’s vagina, and that was quite funny. Bea Arthur reading a passage about how to correctly receive anal sex from one of Pam’s books was top shelf as well.

I know why Tommy Lee showed up too. I’d go to any party where 50 of my friends were gonna talk about my huge penis. Talk about an ego boost. Of course, dragging that crank around all the time must be a decent amount of work too…

Sarah Silverman (Jimmy Kimmel’s girlfriend) is one of my favorite roasters, especially since she’s a chick (duh). Her best effort was “People say Pam wouldn’t be anyone if it weren’t for her big tits. That’s not true at all. She’d be Paris Hilton.”

One great joke at her expense was the one that said “the only thing lower than the Kimmel Show’s ratings is Sarah Silverman’s self-esteem.”

Nice.

Anna Nicole Smith was in the audience and when they started making fun of her, she flipped off the stage, and that prompted one comic to quip “Hey…can someone get her a 90 year old cock to suck?”

Other great lines include:

“She loves musicians. She’s screwed more musicians than Napster.”

“She slept with Scott Baio, the lead singer from Poison and the drummer from Motley Crue. Her life story should be on VH1 on a show entitled “I fucked the 80’s.”

“Tommy, I saw the movie with you and Pam, and I haven’t seen a dick that big on a boat since I went yachting with Donald Trump.”

“Adam Corolla, have some dignity and stick to radio. You look like Pete Sampras with Downs Syndrome.”

Great stuff.

And watching Andy Dick fondle, grope and jiggle Pam’s enormous (and highly visible) cans was hilarious.

I am looking forward to the re-air (uncut) this weekend, and I’m hoping a transcript is available on-line in the not too distant future. There were good lines in there, and I’d like to be able to reference them in the future.

If you get a chance to watch a roast, any roast, on Comedy Central, you should do it. They re-run old ones sometimes too, and Drew Carey’s roast is one of the best things I’ve ever seen on television. Ever. They should release these on DVD in a box set. I’d buy that in a second.

Thanks for coming to the Chuckle Hut everybody. I recommend the veal. I’ll be here all week, with two shows on Friday and Sunday. Don’t forget to tip your waiters and waitresses.

Goodnight.