Functionally ReTodded

So, I walk in the house last night and flip on the local news, expecting to see some illegals have shot up another restaurant named after table seasonings, or maybe some more dumbass kids injured or killed thanks to not enough driver’s training by their parents and being handed the keys to way too powerful a vehicle, or quite possibly some more infuriating coverage of the missing pretty white girl in Aruba.

What I got for 15 minutes were images of a strangely familiar face wearing an orange vest and mowing some foot tall grass.

Then suddenly, it hits me. “Fuck me,” I said to myself. “It’s that runaway whore again, and the three local network afilliates are actually covering her doing community service.”

That’s right, people. Instead of doing stories on judges that get hammered at lunch or the latest Amber alert or a person arrested for leaving their dog in the car too long, I’m watching Miss Jennifer “he’ll never marry me” Wilbanks pushing the Husqvarna in front of some county office.

There she was in an orange / red ball cap that said “life is good” on it and she’s stalling the fucking mower every ten feet. And then she has to wheel it over to the sidewalk to get one of the figuratively fellating news goobers to re-start the mower. Then, she’d head back out, take too wide a cut of grass too tall and too wet, stall it, and repeat as necessary.

The funny thing is, with all of that news coverage, no one got the details of the fucking story straight. They all ran the same footage of some county manager broad saying Jennifer was being treated like anyone else, and that she’d be cleaning offices, washing cars, mowing lawns, picking up trash, etc.

But one station said Jenny’d done 24 hours of her 200ish total, while another said 32 hours had been completed, and still another said 27 or so.

Oh, and she’s paid a “portion” of the $3500 fine. Daddy’s loaded and she’s wearing twenty five grand on her boney crazy-assed finger, but she can’t show up for the first day of perp-walk with a check?

Please.

Anyway, there she is getting interviewed over and over again, all the while NOT mowing the god damned lawn and still getting credit for her 24/27/32/ one million hours of time served.

How about you put a pedometer on her crazy ass and link it to a clock that stops every time she stops? Maybe then she’d get some shit done.

Oh, and footage of her getting into her Lexus with a damp brow stating that she just wanted everyone to know she was serving her sentence and not getting away with anything made me think “self, me thinks she be getting away with something here.”

Oh well. Maybe I’ll flip to Fox and see how great the shrub is and how they still haven’t found that hot chick…