Functionally ReTodded

Before I start this rant, I want you to know that in 99.9999% of cases involving professional athletes and their salaries, I say “more power to you, players. Get all you can, while you can and when you can.” You make the sport an attraction, not the nerdy owners sitting in the luxury boxes jumping up and down and awkwardly high fiving their ass-kissing lackeys.

That said, Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens can go fuck himself.

That’s right Terrell. I said it. Fuck you!! Fuck off, you fucking fuck.

Why am I so angry at Terrell?

Well, it seems that TO is holding out on the Philadelphia Eagles and wants a new contract. No, not for less money silly readers, but for much more money.

“That seems reasonable,” you might say. He had a great year last year.

Yes. It would be reasonable. If his old contract were up or if this upcoming season were a contract year. But it’s not.

Care to guess where Terrell is in his contract? I’ll tell you.

HE JUST FINISHED YEAR ONE!!!!

OF SEVEN!!!!!

The god damned greedy arrogant shitass cocksucking prick was not even thru 15% of his fucking contract, and he wanted it redone!!! Yep. One year.

“Hey Eagles management, I know I begged to be traded here, and we worked long and hard to get me paid like I thought I should be paid and to get me out of awful San Francisco. But see, here’s the thing. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking contract. I want more. I want mines.”

Here’s what I hope the Eagles do. The GM will call you and say “Hey Terrell. I know how you feel about wanting more money, but see, here’s the thing. We (collectively as owners) have had an ass-full of prima donna shitasses like you signing contracts only to decide it wasn’t enough and ask for more after one good year and well before the current contract was up.

You had a good year, hell a great year last year. But that’s why we paid you $49 Million fucking dollars for seven years including your $10 Million dollar signing bonus.

Now, if you’re numbers had been shitty, you wouldn’t have liked it if we asked you to renegotiate and take a pay cut…would you? Of course not.

That’s the same reasoning we’re using to not give you more money. If you were in our shoes, you wouldn’t be paying us back for a bad year, so you’re not getting a new deal for doing what you were extremely well paid to do.

But here’s the kicker. We aren’t trading you either. And we aren’t cutting you. Yes, we’ll suffer in the short term. We may suffer for the length of your contract. We’ll eat the contract and take the salary cap hit. But we’ll keep looking to find good young receiver talent that doesn’t act like a cock-head all the time and make everyone else around them miserable.

And you know what? We might just find that person after this year. And then what will you do? You can’t play anywhere else. We own your fucking ass. You can sit and rot and not get paid and hope against hope that your last episode of Cribs wasn’t you showing the world your last thin dime.

You have been saving…right TO? Because you’ll be what…32 this December? If we just eat your contract for six years, you’ll be thirty fucking eight big boy. How many NFL teams are going to sign a 38 year old arrogant prick to a seven year deal?

Oh wait!! I know. Zee-fucking-roe.

So you see, Terrell, it’s in your best interest to report. Have another good year or three, and maybe we’ll talk about a bonus or an extension or maybe even renegotiating. But as long as you’re holding us hostage and pointing your dick at us in the media, well, suffice it to say that you better find a hobby. You are staring down the barrel at six years of free time with no income.

Hope to hear from you or your cocksucking agent soon.

Man, do I feel better.