Functionally ReTodded

I was talking to some folks that read my blog quite regularly, and they asked me “why are you so crabby?” and “why is your blog always so complainy?”

Okay. Those weren’t their exact words, but that’s the gist of it.

My answser: because I don’t often write about what makes me happy. I write about what makes me angry or sad or pissed or whatever. I don’t know if the thought of writing about what makes me happy never occurred to me, or if I’m so selfish that I’m willing to share the shitty stuff, but not the good stuff.

Anyway, I’ve given that some thought for the last day or so, and I’ve decided that I am going to write a blog about what makes me happy, what makes me laugh, and other good stuff. Of course, some of the stuff that makes me laugh isn’t necessarily good and happy stuff. Like when I laugh driving by some asshole who has just been pulled over, and I laugh at them. That’s not nice, but it’s something that makes me feel good.

(I’m not trying to analyze myself here, so you shouldn’t either. If you’re reading this, you already know that I’m twisted and not right, so let’s just move along, okay?)

The first thing that comes to mind that makes me laugh is that I work for the world’s largest condom manufacturer, so whenever anyone gets together for beers and idle chatter, talk often turns to my company and our various products.

Let me just say that, for all the joking that goes on about lubes and stuff, no one ever refuses the stuff back to me when I get it for them, and no one ever gives it back after they’ve tried it.

The fact that in the same week, my friend helped save a neighbor’s house from burning down AND (under the influence of painkillers) told my sister-in-law while talking to her on the phone that he’d just farted.

My nephew’s buddy MM had some really cool hair that made me happy. I can’t explain it. It just did. I will not discuss how, now that he’s cut it off, that I am sad and wishing for it to grow back again.

The fact that my in-laws continue to leave out five pound bags of chocolate in places their dumbass golden retriever can get to it makes me laugh. I do NOT, however, find his chocolate shits in my yard funny.

I can be brought to tears my my friend (the farter’s) wife and her laugh. I would literally commit an entire day to just trying to make her laugh just so I could hear it.

My friend Andy Cooley (I only mention him because he owns Cooley’s Pizza in Grayson, GA and Suwanee, GA and it’s the best pie anywhere and he might get a customer from this) tells a couple of jokes that make me laugh every time. And my brother in law and I make him tell them every time we have a few beers and it’s late. Here’s the first one:

Three legionnaires were walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough water for days, and food a plenty. On the shimmering horizon mirages came and went. Visions of swimming pools, stalls full of ice-cream, sorbets, freshly-whipped smoothies of every conceivable flavor. But the legionnaires did not crack, and they kept marching solidly onward.

Suddenly one of them froze, “Psssst” said he.

His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing.

“Le voila”, said he, “Regardez, mes amis,isn’t that a bacon tree on the horizon?”And sure enough; there it stood, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, an oasis with a true bacon tree.

Slowly they crept forward towards the mysterious object so far off. Inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter, until they were within a stones throw of the bacon tree. Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks.The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their woundedcompanion.

As they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice, “That was no bacon tree,” he gasped, “That was a ham bush.”

Shit. I’m laughing reading that, and it’s not even the same way Andy tells it.

Here’s another one:

Two young guys werer sitting in their exclusive hunt club. They saw a very old gentlemen sitting across the room under some enormous trophy kills from all over the world mounted on the wall. They approached him and asked if he’d ever been on safari in Africa.

The old man said “oh yes. Many years ago, I went on a safari to Africa.”

“Oh really?” said the young men. “Did you have a good time?”

“Yes,” replies the old man, “it was wonderful. We went lion hunting. I remember at one point we were walking along the veldt area, I had my gun at the ready and then we came upon this huge outcropping of rocks. I looked up, and on top of the rocks I saw this huge lion ready to pounce. I went AAAGH! Well, I tell you, I just shit my pants!”

The young men said , “Well, yes, that’s quite understandable. We probably would have done the exact same thing under those circumstances.”

“No, no, no,” says the first man.”You don’t understand. Not then! I did it just now when I went AAAGH!!”

I know. It’s pathetic. But they make me laugh.

Here’s one more. It’s a little dirty, but I like it:

A lady fell off a ladder at her home and went into a mild coma. At the hospital, the doctor pulls her husband aside and says “Now listen…you didn’t hear this from me, but I have heard in the past that women can recover faster from this type of injury with stimulation…such as oral sex.”

The husband says “OK…let’s give it a try.”

The doctor and nurse leave the room and go out into the hall. After about 10 minutes, the alarms on the equipment in the patient’s room suddenly go off. The doctor and nurse rush back into the room and ask “What the hell happened to her?”

Buckling his belt, the husband said “I think she gagged.”

Now, what’s not funny about that?

I laugh when my nearly 3 year-old daughter tries to say truck. I also laugh that my sister-in-law LOVES to ask her “what does uncle Todd drive?” or “what does uncle Adam drive?”, just so my daughter will say “A white fuck” and “a big red fuck.”

This also works when Lauren sees squash, as she thinks they’re big peanuts, so she says “I love big peanuts in my mouth,” only it comes out “I wuv big penis in my mouf.” Okay. That part’s like 51% funny and 49% heart attack.

The fact that, even though they’ve lost the first two games of the year to the Yankees in true Red Sox fashion, they are STILL the 2004 World Series Champs and they did it by making the Yanks the first team EVER to lose a 3-0 series lead in professional sports. EVER!!

I am terribly amused that Rob and Amber of Survivor fame are kicking ass at the amazing race and are literally two episodes away from winning ANOTHER million dollars from CBS. I don’t think it’ll happen, as bad luck will strike in the form of car failure or plane delays or some such thing, but it’s still funny. And I like the fact that, despite everyone hating them, they are always nice and supportive of one another.

I love that it stays light until 8pm now. We are only weeks away from Friday evening boat rides, and that pleases my daughter (and therefore me) immensely.

I love the idea of starting a small business on the side just to see if I can do it.

I love that my daughter says I don’t sing the Berenstein Bears correctly, and she wants Molly to teach me to sing it correctly. If any of you know my wife’s singing voice, you know how absurd that is.

I love that my daughter LOVES her Dale Jr. shirt. It doesn’t matter to me which driver it was (as long as it wasn’t the 24). I just like that she wanted a shirt like mine, I found one and got it for her, and now she loves it. That’s a good feeling.

I love fantasy racing games. I love watching races with friends. I still love cooking on all of my Big Green Eggs. I love a perfectly cooked 2 inch thick ribeye. I love chicken pot pie (when my wife makes it). I love tutoring my nephew in algebra. I love living close to my in-laws and the rest of my family.

I love that one of my moms is finally retiring after teaching school since they used coal and the backs of shovels, and that the other one is back in our lives and enjoying her grand-daughter.

And I love my wife and daughter more than you can possibly imagine.

There. How’s THAT for a blogthat should make you want to vomit?