Functionally ReTodded

and it’s name is Chris Myers of FOX. I swear to God, he’s so fucking stupid and talentless that he makes me want to hurt myself.

He was a hack on ESPN whose career at the world center of sports ended about five seconds after he was arrested for pissing out of a bar window in the Cleveland area knows as “The Flats” after a World Series game in 1995. My wife and I met him during that same World Series, and he came off as a know-nothing dick, which of course he is.

So roll the career clock forward about five years, and there’s good old Chris running the booth (later named the Hollywood Hotel) for FOX’s NASCAR broadcasts starting in 2001. I shrugged off the fact that he was so damned dumb then based on the fact that he’d only had about six months to study and learn about a sport he didn’t like or know anything about. I figured in that amount of time, he probably had just about mastered his identification of the numbers that he might see on the sides of the cars, but that’s it.

So I figure “hey, he’s probably not SO bad. Let’s give him some time.” And then came the race in LA where he was at the Playboy mansion scaring all of the bottle blonde silicone life support systems known as centerfolds. I bet boys who stumble into NAMBLA meetings are more comfortable than those girls were with him.

Then he went to Pocono and shot a segment where he and Jeff Hammond were in a champagne glass-shaped hot tub together. That was as close to gouging out my eyes as I have ever been, except for when I saw a 400 pound broad at the Cup race in Martinsville wearing overall shorts, a silver bra and no shoes. That was her entire outfit. I wanted to burn my eyes out with lye, kind of like when Myers is on TV.

Anywho, Fox has now finished their fourth year of motorsports coverage with Chris Myers at the Visa racebreak desk or the Visa dumbass seat or whatever they call it, and he still sucks. He has nearly total access to the garage, the drivers, the crews, and former crew chiefs and champions, yet he’s learned less over those four years than any person possibly could.

So now, based on his Emmy award-winning race coverage and overall sports knowledge, he’s been tasked with doing bleacher interviews with people like Jimmy Fallon and Tom Hanks (which was pretty cool, since Hanks is rooting for the Sox despite being a huge A’s fan).

But last night was an all-time low. During the game, they cut to Myers who was in a Budweiser luxury suite and he was attempting to interview the guy that plays the arrogant football player in their commercials, only he’s interviewing the guy IN CHARACTER!!

And since Myers has all of the improv ability of a ferret, the whole thing is uncomfortable and labored. And since it was going so poorly, FOX kept switching from him to a pitch then back to him again over and over again.

I ask you, who in the name of Christ is producing these shows? I mean, I know FOX isn’t thrilled with the 3-0 series and the fact that there has been absolutely no drama yet, but is that an excuse to make everyone that is watching so angry that they go to E-Bay and place an order from the ACME Anvil Company just so they can throw it through their TV sets?

And another thing, if there has ever been anyone on television with less chemistry than Kevin Kennedy and Jeannie Zalasko, I’d like to know who that was. I think Bryant Gumble and Katie Couric had a better rapport. Hell, I think Kobe Bryant has a better rapport with that psycho in Eagle, Colorado NOW than Zalasko and Kennedy.

The good news is that with all the stress, I can’t watch the Cardinals bat so I only see half the game. That leaves me half as mad at FOX as I would be if I was able to control my own nervous system.

I will be launching www.firechrismyers.com shortly…

I’ll tell you how I feel about the whole Hendrick Motorsports Tragedy.

I feel absolutely terrible. I am sad and I feel six. I feel terrible for Rick Hendrick, for his wife and daughter and entire family. I feel terrible for all of the victims and their families.

I feel bad for everyone that works at Hendrick Motorsports.

I feel bad for the company that is Hendrick Motorsports. 80% of the people in charge at HMS died in the same accident, and that’s more than most any company can endure.

I feel terrible for Brian Vickers. Sunday was his birthday and his car owner, Ricky Hendrick, was flying up to surprise him on his birthday.

I feel bad for Tony Stewart, who lost his friend and pilot.

I actually cried a little for Ken Schrader last night while watching him talk on Inside Nextel Cup Racing. Kenny drove for Rick for nine years and watched Ricky and his two cousins grow up, and he is obviously still very close with the Hendrick family and organization. I remember seeing him interviewed after Dale died, and he was able to keep his emotions in check. He was not able to do the same this time.

I feel terrible for Ricky Hendrick’s fiancee. I can’t imagine how alone she feels right now.

I feel bad for Felix Sabates who is now NASCAR’s Waylon Jennings. He not only was saved by Chip Ganassi (who advised him not to get on the flight) but he was also the person asked to notify Rick Hendrick of the accident and later of the deaths. I’m sure Rick already knew in his heart, but Felix still had to tell him officially. How terrible for both men.

I have never been a fan of Rick Hendrick. Ever. But I feel for him.

I feel bad for Rick because he just lost his father this summer, and now, in the same accident, has lost:

- the younger brother that ran his business while Rick was sick

- his only son who was by all acounts the man being groomed for the future so he could be handed the keys to the Hendrick Motorsports empire

- his two nieces

- his business partner Randy Dorton, who has been with Rick since 1984 and helped biuld HMS into what it is today

- two pilots who’d worked for him for some time

- a man from DuPont who was obviously a close friend and associate

- the VP and GM of HMS whom he obviously trusted and liked very much

- a man who was leaving his family to fly choppers in Iraq who was on his way to say goodbye to his dear friend and employer, Tony Stewart.

That is literally more burden than one man or family can quite possibly endure.

The sport and the city will rally around the surviving members of the Hendrick family and the Hendrick Motorsports family as well. How long it takes the family and the business to recover remains to be seen. I only hope that Rick, his wife, John’s widow and surviving daughter and the families and friends of the victims can somehow find some peace.

Just a quick note of some random thoughts…

Auburn is 8-0 and number three in the country, facing a night game at Oxford on Saturday and staring down the barrell at UGA and Bama.

The Boston Red Sox lead the St. Louis Cardinals two games to none in the World Series.

Curt Schilling is on the cusp of becoming the biggest clutch performance sports hero in our lifetimes.

Florida just fired their dumbass football coach with a 4-3 record this year, 20-13 in his 3-ish seasons, and the team still has to play UGA this weekend, Vandy and South Carolina and then a trip to FSU for a beating of epic proportions.

I have a four day weekend this weekend and am going to the Busch race at Atlanta Saturday with family and friends for a GDE (Guys Day Extravaganza).

My daughter is potty training faster than I ever thought possible.

We just celebrated our one year anniversary in our new house.

My wife has not only started cooking on our Big Green Egg by herself, but she’s finding reasons to use it when she doesn’t really have to.

Someone please hand me a tissue. I think I have something in my eye…