and it’s name is Chris Myers of FOX. I swear to God, he’s so fucking stupid and talentless that he makes me want to hurt myself.
He was a hack on ESPN whose career at the world center of sports ended about five seconds after he was arrested for pissing out of a bar window in the Cleveland area knows as “The Flats” after a World Series game in 1995. My wife and I met him during that same World Series, and he came off as a know-nothing dick, which of course he is.
So roll the career clock forward about five years, and there’s good old Chris running the booth (later named the Hollywood Hotel) for FOX’s NASCAR broadcasts starting in 2001. I shrugged off the fact that he was so damned dumb then based on the fact that he’d only had about six months to study and learn about a sport he didn’t like or know anything about. I figured in that amount of time, he probably had just about mastered his identification of the numbers that he might see on the sides of the cars, but that’s it.
So I figure “hey, he’s probably not SO bad. Let’s give him some time.” And then came the race in LA where he was at the Playboy mansion scaring all of the bottle blonde silicone life support systems known as centerfolds. I bet boys who stumble into NAMBLA meetings are more comfortable than those girls were with him.
Then he went to Pocono and shot a segment where he and Jeff Hammond were in a champagne glass-shaped hot tub together. That was as close to gouging out my eyes as I have ever been, except for when I saw a 400 pound broad at the Cup race in Martinsville wearing overall shorts, a silver bra and no shoes. That was her entire outfit. I wanted to burn my eyes out with lye, kind of like when Myers is on TV.
Anywho, Fox has now finished their fourth year of motorsports coverage with Chris Myers at the Visa racebreak desk or the Visa dumbass seat or whatever they call it, and he still sucks. He has nearly total access to the garage, the drivers, the crews, and former crew chiefs and champions, yet he’s learned less over those four years than any person possibly could.
So now, based on his Emmy award-winning race coverage and overall sports knowledge, he’s been tasked with doing bleacher interviews with people like Jimmy Fallon and Tom Hanks (which was pretty cool, since Hanks is rooting for the Sox despite being a huge A’s fan).
But last night was an all-time low. During the game, they cut to Myers who was in a Budweiser luxury suite and he was attempting to interview the guy that plays the arrogant football player in their commercials, only he’s interviewing the guy IN CHARACTER!!
And since Myers has all of the improv ability of a ferret, the whole thing is uncomfortable and labored. And since it was going so poorly, FOX kept switching from him to a pitch then back to him again over and over again.
I ask you, who in the name of Christ is producing these shows? I mean, I know FOX isn’t thrilled with the 3-0 series and the fact that there has been absolutely no drama yet, but is that an excuse to make everyone that is watching so angry that they go to E-Bay and place an order from the ACME Anvil Company just so they can throw it through their TV sets?
And another thing, if there has ever been anyone on television with less chemistry than Kevin Kennedy and Jeannie Zalasko, I’d like to know who that was. I think Bryant Gumble and Katie Couric had a better rapport. Hell, I think Kobe Bryant has a better rapport with that psycho in Eagle, Colorado NOW than Zalasko and Kennedy.
The good news is that with all the stress, I can’t watch the Cardinals bat so I only see half the game. That leaves me half as mad at FOX as I would be if I was able to control my own nervous system.
I will be launching www.firechrismyers.com shortly…
What say you?