Functionally ReTodded

Feb

And if you didn’t enjoy the last one…

Categories: Uncategorized

Here are a couple of amusing youtube links that are floating around that slay me.

This first one is President Lyndon Johnson talking with one of the Haggar brothers ordering some slacks . It gets awesome around the 3:30 mark. Can you imagine if our presidents these days made calls like this? It’d be a better world I think.

The next one comes from a seemingly harmless public service announcement from the early 80’s I think. It also spotlights the moment that Henry "The Fonz" Winkler’s career exploded in a ball of uncomfortable lingo.

Enjoy.

FRT

Feb

Standing up for a minute?

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment

Categories: Uncategorized

Yep. I am.

I was listening to The Regular Guys podcast this morning from yesterday’s show and was reminded of this story which, in turn, reminded me of another story.

(R) Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah has a bug up his ass about the Bowl Championship Series and how it may somehow violate anti-trust laws. The President has said on more than one occasion that he’s in favor of a playoff in college football.

Other members of congress have for years inquired about the validity of Major League Baseball’s anti-trust exemption.

If you don’t know what anti-trust laws are or what they mean or how they work, here’s a simple explanation.

We interrupt this blog to deliver this important message:

WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT ANTI-TRUST EXEMPTIONS, ANTI-TRUST LAWS AND PLAYOFFS?

Well, I care about the playoff part, but I don’t think there is a single member of the House or Senate that should burn one single calorie worrying about college football or steroids in baseball or any of that other shit.

Why?

Because our nation is on the brink of collapse. It’s debt is now estimated at 15 Trillion Dollars, which is almost TWO BILLION DOLLARS MORE than the Gross Domestic Product (GDP) of said country.

That’s right. At a time when we are about to slide as a nation to number two, three or worse on the planet from our role as Big Man On Campus and we are spiraling headlong and at light speed into the financial abyss, we have public servants and elected congressmen and congresswomen worrying about whether it’s fair for the NCAA to control how their championship works and whether MLB’s union is legal.

Really? And for this these assholes get lifetime benefits for free, amnesty from 99.9% of their douchebaggy behavior?

I want to go to sleep at night knowing that the people on The Hill are burning the midnight oil trying to find a solution to our economic woes that doesn’t involve raising taxes, crushing small business and artificially propping up the economy by printing more worthless money.

Many of these folks have been in office for years, which means they lived thru the salad days of the Dot Com boom and all of the spoils that went with that. They didn’t have to work too hard then and make tough decisions, but they do now.

In closing, I’d like to say to Mr. Hatch that my fellow citizens and I would appreciate it if he and his colleagues would spend a little less time worrying about why Utah keeps getting snubbed by the BCS (cough cough crappy conference and weak out of conference schedule) and a little more time trying to prevent the second depression in this nation’s short history.

Sincerely,

FRT

Jan

By Functionally ReTodded 7 Comments

Categories: Uncategorized

I have been complaining over the last four or five months about writer’s block.

Then today, I heard a writer / podcaster that I enjoy say he had writer’s block. When asked by the person he was interviewing what caused it, he said:

"Writer’s block comes from not writing every day."

So there you go. The answer to my writer’s block is writing every day. Only not being able to write is what writer’s block is.

So I guess the point is that I need to make a point to sit down and write something every day, even if it’s horrible or not interesting. (As if I could possibly do that). That, dear readers, is what I plan to do. I may not post every day, but I plan to really try to write every day. Maybe I need a suggestion box where my readers (LAB and Hoss and Madsapper are the only ones I know of ) give me ideas. Just a topic or story or something and I can write about it.

So that’s it. Oh, and I plan to reduce my beginning sentences with the word "So" by at least 20 percent this year.

My gift to you.

Mazel tov.

Jan

Today’s example of GAAAAAAAH!!!

By Functionally ReTodded 7 Comments

Categories: Blog, Food, Functionally ReTodded, Humor, Now I'm standing up and Rant

As you all may or may not know, I like food.

(I shall now pause while you pick yourself AND your jaws off the floor).

I like all kinds of food. Barring 92.7% of the world’s vegetables, I love all kinds of foods. But my favorite favorite favorite foods are breakfast foods and specifically, fast food breakfast foods.

I love biscuits, gravy, hash browns, egg mcmuffins, chicken biscuits, sausage biscuits, etc. If you combine poultry or pork with a cheese / egg / gravy combination and throw a fried potato item in too, you’ve got me. Further, I am not capable of limiting my order when I get to the window / speaker / clown’s mouth. I always order too much.

So you can only imagine how excited I’ve been these last months where every fast food joint except one (EFF EWE Chick Fil A) has a dollar menu. I pull up, dig thru the console of my truck (or one of the kids’ piggy banks) and order a couple of items. It’s cheap, it’s cheesy and it’s breakfasty. YAY!

The other thing fast food joints have done is start marketing two-fers. Much like FM radio stations in the 80’s had "Twofer Tuesdays," the fast food places now have them too. Like Hardee’s has the "2 Sausage and egg biscuits for $2.22" and Mcdonald’s has the "2 Egg McMuffins for $2.50" or "2 Sausage McMuffins for $2.50" deals. I’m incapable of driving by, especially if I’ve stolen helped my self to some change out of that bowl on top of the dryer.

But last week, the McDonald’s near me stopped the "2 for $2.50" thing and started a "sausage mcmuffin meal for $2.49" thing. That’s also a winner for me since the bucket of unsweet tea is a buck and I get my caffeine and a cup to use for the day to boot.

So I pull up to the window and, as always, confirm the special. I say "Do you still have the sausage mcmuffin meal for $2.49 available?"

After a brief pause, I got a barely awake "Ummm…I don’t know."

Me: Silence, then "Can you ask?"

Mensa Member: "Um…I’m not sure."

Now, it’s not like I asked if I could get soy milk or if the meal was kosher. I asked him to confirm the ONE GOD DAMNED BREAKFAST SPECIAL THAT HIS STORE WAS CURRENTLY ADVERTISING!!!"

So I shrug, say fine, and order the number one (egg mcmuffin, hash brown and drink) with an unsweet tea and he replies "what size drink?"

Jesus. The picture on the menu says WITH A LARGE TEA! I didn’t say SuperSize. I literally ordered the number one. I’m sure the cash register button for that meal is just a big fucking number one. Leave it for Carmelita at the pick up door to work out the drink math, jackass. Just push the button to the left of the backwards letter S (a.k.a. the fucking two) and let’s move on with it.

I pulled up to the window, was greeted by one of non-credited cast members from near the end of the movie "Awakenings," and paid the not correct price for my advertised meal he couldn’t find out about and moved ahead, because I was late.

I got my drink (lifted the lid and tested it because I don’t trust Mr. Lipton himself to get my fucking tea order correct), took my bag o’ food and left.

As I got on the highway (while talking on the phone, texting and doing my makeup) I reached into the bag for my hashbrown, which ALWAYS gets eaten first. Potato products are on life support once you hit a public thoroughfare.

Wait a minute. Where’s the hashbrown? Isn’t it in here?

I look in, and there are two sandwhiches. And no hash browns.

And the sandwiches are BOTH sausage mcmuffins, neither of which come with the god damned number one that I ordered based on the fucking picture on the menu for retards!!

To sum up, Instead of the special I wanted (sausage mcmuffin, hash brown, large unsweet tea) or the number one that I ordered (egg mcmuffin, hash browns, large unsweet tea), I got a large unsweet tea and two dollar menu items for about $4.70 that, if I’d just ordered a la cart, would have been three fucking dollars and eighteen god damned cents!!

AND I DIDN’T GET MY HASH BROWN!!

So the next time someone bitches about why they are working at McDonald’s or, more likely, bitching about how they’re unemployed (and thus NOT working at McDonald’s), the answer is simple.

You. Are. A. Complete. Idiot.

The fact is, if your day finds you punching pictures on a cash register while wearing an over-sized headset and a hair net, you don’t have a job. You are in daycare or prison.

Enjoy your snack time and sippy cup and try not to shit yourself, you geniuses.

Jan

Awww.

By Functionally ReTodded 4 Comments

Categories: Uncategorized

So Thing One has been insisting, nay demanding a new hairstyle. One complete with bangs. We’ve put it off and tried to dissuade her a little because she likes to wear her hair up sometimes and we think she’s cute with long hair.

Anyway, she and the wife found a picture of a haircut Lauren liked on the internet, and so we asked Mrs. Madsapper if she could do that. She said she could, and it turned out great.

Here are the before and afters:

Before:

Thing One (Before)